knifefight in BK

school makes me busy. look at this awesome video.

Apparently grad school is "time consuming," hence my lack of posting/sleeping/advanced brain function. Sorry about that, my 3 readers (hi Mom!), but I think this video makes up for it. Vaguely menacing machine of horror? Check. "Something that passes for graphics, sort of"? Cheeeeeeeck. "Totally rad" stock music? CHECK. Awesome cameos by surprised, giddy dudes in safety goggles? Ch-ch-ch-check. Gratuitously long video redundantly, hilariously demonstrating the brutal li'l gadget that your prison/other type of establishment in which people frequently attempt to flush shoes, bricks, entire packs of gigantor maxi pads, cans of housepaint, a U.S. Army blanket, and other people down the toilet CANNOT BE WITHOUT? CHECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sign me up for some cinematic majesty, muffin monster!

knuckle up (your nose)

 

My favorite thing to see on the subway is businessmen acting like wee, brain-damaged children. Like our friend, here. He's dressed to the nines, immaculately groomed, reading his li'l magazine, taking up 6 seats with his massive balls, and knuckle deep on a booger hunt. WINNER! I was waiting for the 6 to take an unexpected jolt resulting in his improvised lobotomy (oops!) but that didn't happen. Not pictured: the woman sitting next to me who stared at that guy for a good 8 stops (yes! you CAN pick your nose for 8 consecutive stops), slowly shaking her head. Subway magic.

there is a war in my sinuses

And I'm pretty sure it looks a lot like this screen grab from Altered Beast. The fun part is that, 5 days into the snotpocalypse (because EVERYTHING is a goddamn -pocalypse so far this year), I'm sort of getting my sense of smell back. And I will now share with you the exciting things my broken sense of smell has revealed. 

CUCUMBER: smells like pepper, tastes like melon-wallpaper

SECONDHAND SMOKE: smells like bread on fire (or the toast of my youth)(sorry Mom)

CHERRY COUGH DROPS: smell like plastic, taste like Mr. Clean (mmmMMMMMMMM!!!!!)

COFFEE: smells like laundry, tastes like milk with mushrooms

SALAD: smells like paint, tastes like lemon (what?)

SOUP: smells like absolutely nothing, tastes like plain oatmeal

SHAMPOO: smells like windex, so I didn't taste it

WHATEVER FUNK OUR NEIGHBORS ARE PUMPING THROUGH THE SHARED AIR VENT: smells like a wet dog is smoking a LOT of weed

DIET CHERRY COKE: smells like pepper (or cucumber, apparently), tastes like old fruit gum (and I hate fruit gum)

Now you know. I'd also like to thank NyQuil for the fact that I've had dreams about people trying to evade the supermarket police (a valid concept) by throwing coconuts at them in some kind of factory, and claiming the coconuts are human heads, so my husband and I put on coveralls and started stealing coconuts, but agreed to take only a few in case they actually turned into human heads - FOR TWO CONSECUTIVE NIGHTS NOW.

 

you you you oughta know (algebra)

 

basically, i've been convinced for many years that dave grohl and alanis morissette are, in fact, the same person. i know! why didn't YOU think of that? don't feel bad, i've been thinking about this since the 90s. let's break it down all math-like: dave grohl minus any shred of nirvana-based coolness multiplied by an alex forrest level of... let's call it intensity equals alanis morissette (with a beard)(i know, i couldn't really figure out what to do about the beard there)(but come on). look at these pictures and try to tell me they AREN'T the same person. know what? you can't. i'm not going to go into detail about how i find the creature we'll call grohlanis grating for a variety of reasons (99 of them relating to me not liking whiny, irritating music), because i think the grohl half sounds like a perfectly awesome dude in general, and while the alanis part is on my shit list for inserting a completely backwards definition of IRONY into the already-muddled heads of her fans, hey, man, i just can't hate on a canadian. whatever. they're basically the same person. CONSIDER IT PROVEN. the end.

 

uh... art... time?

apparently grad school is going to "keep me REEEEEEEALLY busy," so... in honor of the fact that my brain is already fried (and caked in plaster dust) only 4 weeks in, here's a charming collection of pictures i drew while both of my eyes were completely dilated for super awesome medical reasons. while i couldn't see what i was drawing, while i was drawing it, i think the sentiments come across very clearly. those sentiments are about spores, fire, owls, snot, and fish-arms. i hope you can see there is obviously a lot of meaning and artistic purpose in these drawings i did during a fantasy football draft a few weeks ago, because then you are a douche, and i can mock you at some point in the future, possibly behind your back, and likely in internet-based fashion. ENJOY.

 

i return on 999, like the upside-down demon i am.

Oh, hai! I've been all sorts of busy so I kind of, you know, forgot how to write or use a computer or, you know, wash and feed myself. Sorry about that! It's a long and involved story about how we moved, and we had no interwebz for like ever, and then my grad school program started, and... now I have tape all over my face. But I digress. Let's talk about what's REALLY important, namely the fact that apparently it's cool to completely lose your mind, toss on some jaunty green lace gloves, and hop aboard the W train. See, some people would be all, "How is she crazy? Gloves aren't that weird." Yes, they are, and I'll tell you why. A. I took this picture in the sweatiest, grossest part of July, which means that (lace?) gloves are unnecessary clothing in the least clothing-friendly time of year, in addition to being completely bizarre on anyone who isn't doing a clever early Madonna impression or isn't a cute 14 year old Japanese girl. 7. Notice that our friend is wearing a blazer, recall that I took this in July, and notice that she's also carrying an additional jacket, slung over her briefcases, that appears to have been fashioned from an impossibly peppy quilt. H. I don't have to give more reasons. She's bonkers. 2 briefcases? Bonkers. And yes, they ARE briefcases. At one point she opened them both and they were all paper-filled. Maybe she's got a Kuato, and her leader of the Martian resistance wants its own briefcase and festive blazer, whatever, I don't know, but I DO know that it's weird and... I'm... back? So... yeah. I missed you all, and as long as my interwebz access continues unfettered and my glorious (glorious is code for moldy and kind of smelling of urine) on-campus studio doesn't swallow me whole, I will never abandon you again.

from the department of random things in vacant lots in brooklyn

Huh. I can pretty much confidently state that this rockin' NO FEEEEEEAAAARRRRRR jet ski is the weirdest thing I have EVER seen in a vacant lot in Brooklyn. I mean, mannequin parts? Done. Disassembled port-a-potty covered in what appear to be restaurant steam trays? Played out. A whole lot of old rice and chicken bones strewn about like an entire high school football team was trying to eat dinner while having a mass seizure? Soooo 2003. But this jet ski is something new entirely. A new era in vacant lot debris technology. It's like one of those weird giant boulders that glaciers ditch and thousands of years later people are all "Where the crap did this 8 story rock come from, and why is it in the middle of a field in Iowa?" Except it's a jet ski. Is this some weird urban version of having a busted car on cinderblocks in your yard? I don't know because I am not an anthropologist.