My abridged version of the cinematic accident called Dreamcatcher, or Magic Retard vs. The Butt Alien, was one of my earliest posts, and remains one of my favorite things ever. Let's relive the magic together, shall we?
Continue reading "revisiting the magic: DREAMCATCHER (aka "magic retard vs. the butt alien")" »
This might seem like a cheap shot after what pretty much every critic said about The Number 23, but WOW. I couldn't have been more impressed by how unimpressed I was after seeing this film. Yes, I saw it after (AFTER) reading all the crap reviews, because when one part of me thought "how bad could it be?" another part assured me that "it could be so bad it's hilarious." And hilarious it was! (If you want to read my little review, know that I WILL ruin the ending for you.)(Which might mean I'm saving you $10 and 2 hours of your life.)(But who knows? Maybe you'd like it.)(Anyway, you've been warned.)
Continue reading "the number 23: one of the goofiest comedies of 2007!" »
...because statements this obvious don't actually need to be said. maybe it's just me, maybe it's just because we watched the masturbatory, aimless director's cut, but WOW i want those 2 hours of my life back. not in the "blind rage/desire to see zach braff wander into traffic" way i felt post-"garden state" (AKA "cry-ass white people," thank you), but in the "what just happened and why am i sitting here?" way, like when you realize you've been watching 3 straight hours of "the real housewives of orange county" and it makes you question the purpose of life. anyway, i'll do my best to recap the film for you, but i can't promise i'll stay awake through reliving the viewing experience...
Continue reading "i'm not saying "miami vice" is one of the most pointless films ever made..." »
i mean, what DOESN'T make sense about a middle aged gentleman going back "into the ring" to "prove ______ and teach us all ________ - with our hearts" or whatever. look, did anyone else see that time where mike "cap'n crazy" tyson got the living crap beat out of him when he tried to pull this "aging boxer with ______ to prove" thing in 2004? right, i KNOW it's a MOVIE, and a movie from the star of "stop! or my mom will shoot!" no less, but come ON. there's nothing heartwarming about watching some mush-mouthed restaurant manager answer "the call of the ring" in spite of his historically freaked-out family's protests. that said, i haven't seen it, so maybe it's really about how he has dementia pugilistica, and "the call of the ring" means he spends the entire movie beating up on parking meters and trying to remember where he put his keys. i'm JUST SAYIN', you guys. just sayin'. couldn't they just have made another jaws movie instead? like, where the shark is senile, and he keeps accusing the other sharks of stealing his electric blanket because he forgot that he gave it to the salvation army in 1996?
boy, i'll bet click's an awesome movie. look, he's SKIPPING OVER HIS HANGOVER!!!! ha ha ha, clever. oh wow! he's MUTING HIS MOTHER IN LAW!!!!! what a wiseacre! he's REWINDING BACK TO PROM NIGHT!!!! saucy! now he's DELETING HIS PARKING TICKETS!!!! tomfoolery! oh, how deeply i, and other "everyman" types such as myself, wish i had access to such a whimsical device! and chistopher walken in wacky dress, even! i wonder what the SURPRISING CATCH will be, that allows mr. sandler to start "living for today..." and wow, i really hope there are, like, 16 totally pointless montages, set to the inoffensive-yet-wacky top 40 hits i so love and will forget about by next week! yay click! no, i'm serious. snakes on a plane is one thing. there's something charming about acknowledging that your film has been gathered to be moronic, and kind of... running with that. click, i loathe you. i think justin lost 50 IQ points just standing near the poster.
justin and i saw a preview for "elizabethtown" a month and a half ago or so. no more than 15 seconds into the trailer, justin turned to me and, with fear in his voice, said, "dude. it's cry-ass white people 2." i was too busy trying to figure out how to mainline butter-flavored popcorn topping to pay attention, but sweet cuppin' cakes, y'all, it looks like he's right. it's taken me a while to recover from this revelation. go ahead and remind yourself of the horror that is cry-ass white people, there's more complaining and speculation after the jump...
ok, look: if you want to see a hallmark movie, watch a hallmark movie. watch some tracey gold movie on lifetime that's supposed to be all life-affirming and about cancer or something. or sit in your bathroom, think about ponies, and cry. i have a problem with garden state. i make no secret of this. let me begin by saying that i completely believe that a film is effective if it elicits a response, regardless of the nature of the response. that said, garden state is incredibly effective at making me want to throw up on zach braff (just like how the cremaster cycle is extremely effective at making me want to punch matthew barney in the head, and rob his patrons at gunpoint, but that's another story). how, you ask, can i loathe the feel-good hipster dramedy of the decade?
Continue reading "garden state: ironic hallmark movie for the hipsters" »
i have done the world a service by creating a concise, clear, abridged version of the film "dreamcatcher." check out the link below and you won't have to waste 2 hours to find out what this film's about!
