knifefight in BK

there is a war in my sinuses

And I'm pretty sure it looks a lot like this screen grab from Altered Beast. The fun part is that, 5 days into the snotpocalypse (because EVERYTHING is a goddamn -pocalypse so far this year), I'm sort of getting my sense of smell back. And I will now share with you the exciting things my broken sense of smell has revealed. 

CUCUMBER: smells like pepper, tastes like melon-wallpaper

SECONDHAND SMOKE: smells like bread on fire (or the toast of my youth)(sorry Mom)

CHERRY COUGH DROPS: smell like plastic, taste like Mr. Clean (mmmMMMMMMMM!!!!!)

COFFEE: smells like laundry, tastes like milk with mushrooms

SALAD: smells like paint, tastes like lemon (what?)

SOUP: smells like absolutely nothing, tastes like plain oatmeal

SHAMPOO: smells like windex, so I didn't taste it

WHATEVER FUNK OUR NEIGHBORS ARE PUMPING THROUGH THE SHARED AIR VENT: smells like a wet dog is smoking a LOT of weed

DIET CHERRY COKE: smells like pepper (or cucumber, apparently), tastes like old fruit gum (and I hate fruit gum)

Now you know. I'd also like to thank NyQuil for the fact that I've had dreams about people trying to evade the supermarket police (a valid concept) by throwing coconuts at them in some kind of factory, and claiming the coconuts are human heads, so my husband and I put on coveralls and started stealing coconuts, but agreed to take only a few in case they actually turned into human heads - FOR TWO CONSECUTIVE NIGHTS NOW.

 

when i grow up, i'm going to be an adult bib model.

Nothing says "My day job usually involves a g-string and a pole," better than this pose here. I like to imagine the ad execs for "cheapo scrubs R us" at this shoot, crowded around the photographer, giving "notes," like: "Can you have Janet here assume a more pin-up type pose? Our scrubs and the free scrunchies w/ purchase program is really sexy," and "This position is useful to women in the medical profession and not completely ridiculous at all." I hope Janet (whose name I've completely made up) set their free scrunchies on fire after the shoot. But back to the rest of the things I've become obsessed with while casually browsing medical apparel websites...

ct scans are FUN!!!!

I know, you're like, "Hey jerk, what's with the not posting?" My bad. Totally. So to make it up to you, I'll show you some of the excitement and wonder that has kept me away from the computer and my adoring public (all 3 of you)... This excitement and wonder is called CT ENTEROGRAPHY. That's right, my super rockin' gastroenterologist felt like it might be good times to check in on my intestines when they're NOT all angry and unfriendly, and let me say that it was a magical experience. Normally the preparation for any kind of intestinal study is... I don't know, is "vomitorious" a word? How about "unpleasant like how rubbing fiberglass into your eyeballs might be unpleasant"? That's right, this prep was AWESOME. And since I'm kind of weirding myself out here with the happiness I feel about drinking a colon prep, let's just look at some nice pictures of my nice CT enterography adventure, ok?
 

fun with SCIENCE!

do you know your blood type? if not, you're totally never going to make it in japan. i happened upon a cheap DIY "bleed yourself 'n' amaze your friends" blood typing kit online (like one does) and naturally i had to try it. because i have a lot of time on my hands. and, you know, how can you say no to something that promises you this magical experience in the comfort of your own home, overseen by your own cat?

anyway, join me as the magic and wonder of my blood typing experience unfolds (and don't worry, the pictures aren't THAT gross)(seriously, come ON)...

um, i think i have the plague.

you know how sometimes you get stuck in a subway car full of people who are coughing that barky, death rattle-y kind of cough, and you're like, "dude, these clowns had better not spread their plague on me" and then you wake up feeling like someone has forcibly placed a baseball in your throat and suddenly your voice sounds like you're doing a pretty amazing harvey fierstein impression? yeah, well, THANKS A LOT, CLOWNS. i'm at the day where you finally wake up NOT in a cold sweat but rather in the kind of sinus-based agony that sort of mimics what you imagine those people in scanners felt like right before their heads exploded. so, sorry for my lack of putting things on the internets, but i have to go flatten myself on the couch next to optimus prime* now.

crazy eyes: totally an epidemic

"scleral show" is the fancy term that describes when you can see the white part of someone's eyeball above or beneath the fancy colored part. also, when you can see your sclera above your iris, it means that you're crazy. i know what you're thinking: tell us more, dr. wild conspiracy theories! and i WILL. look at jennifer wilbanks (picture lovingly ganked from thespoof.com), america's favorite runaway bride/pathological liar. notice how there's, like, waaaaay too much sclera showing. ms. wilbanks has a terminal case of the crazy. duh. let me take you on a magical voyage... through the world of crazy eyes...

the surreal and disturbing world of the period

ok. look. justin and i hung out with our favorite neighbor on friday. he apparently received this... fascinating... video in an exchange with this sassy lady. my life has not been the same since i watched this video. just watch it, ok? and try NOT to hear "blood from inside of your body comes outside from an opening between your legs" repeating in your head on a constant loop for the next three to four days, about every four weeks... the horror... the... horror... i'm not even going to try to imagine why the lead actress has down syndrome, her sister's an exhibitionist, the blood looks too real, and dad's reeeeeeal excited about the whole thing. in fact, i'm not even going to try to figure out why anyone would ever make this video, ever ever ever ever. i'm just going to share this with you. and we can both be weirded out. things like this would even give david cronenberg nightmares, i think. "mmmmmmm. nice dog."

medical wonderland!

so apparently, when you have crohn's disease, it is likely to manifest its wonderful inflammatory properties in new and exciting places LIKE YOUR EYEBALL. the treatment involves all these nasty eyedrops and dilating the bad eye, which totally doesn't make you look insane at all, i swear. click on the picture, see for yourself.

new pictures!

if you love the hospital like i love the hospital, you will really love these pictures... these are from some of my wonderful stays at glorious mount sinai hospital.
mount sinai party!