knifefight in BK

canadian diet pepsi kicks u.s. diet pepsi in the face and laughs about it

You know what's awesome about Canada? Queues de Castor. You know what else is awesome about Canada? Everything that isn't Celine Dion/Cirque du Soleil. I would move to Canada if they would let me... and possibly if they developed some kind of tropical peninsula because I'm really starting not to believe in cold weather. Anyway, proof of their national majesty? Even Canadian Diet Pepsi tastes better than ours. I'm serious. If you don't believe me, stop by my house, or Canada, and have a Pepsi Diete. It's like the first time you go to Mexico and have a Pepsi Light and you realize that lead really DOES make everything taste so much better, except... without the lead thing... and in Canada. The point is, Canadian Diet Pepsi tastes like what OUR Diet Pepsi used to taste like, but then the changed the flavor or something, because now it tastes all... wrong. In my day, the Diet Pepsi was delicious and it didn't taste kind of expired and like the aspartame was morphing into cancer in your mouth. Just sayin'. Pepsi Diete: c'est le meilleur! Go acesulfame potassium!

trump ice is bottled water that scowls at you for some reason

BEHOLD TRUMP ICE.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Pepsi Ice Cucumber, Trump v. Rice, poor people water.
UNDERTONES: Dirty ashtray, sad cocktail waitress, wigs.
VALUE: Cheap as free* (*while gambling in one of Mr. Trump's stately, rundown casinos in scenic Atlantic City)
BEST PAIRED WITH: A dollar yo, a motorized scooter, an elaborate slot machine ritual.
PREFERRED BY: If you're in a casino long enough to "prefer" its bottled water... wow.
WHAT IT "SAYS": "I think that last complimentary vodka tonic was made with rubbing alcohol, yet I can't manage to tear myself away from Gamblor's neon claws to rinse out my mouth with some non-Trump water."
FINAL RATING: Um... you're... fired?

achievements in bottled water: joe's kwik marts

BEHOLD L'EAU DU JOE'S KWIK MART.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Bill's Quick Mart-type water, Water Joe - ewwww. I'm not sure what exactly upsets me about caffeinated tap water, but ewwww.
UNDERTONES: Pennsylvania, gas, essence of surly cashier.
VALUE: Yes. And outdoor portable toilets.
BEST PAIRED WITH: Joe's Kwik Mart's fine range of outdoor portable toilets.
PREFERRED BY: People who like surly cashiers, discriminating rural Pennsylvanians.
WHAT IT "SAYS": Fiji water, my ass.
FINAL RATING: Why the outdoor portable toilets, Joe? Why?

since we last spoke: pocari sweat ion water is nasty

BEHOLD POCARI SWEAT ION WATER.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Dakara Life Partner Water, actual sweat.
UNDERTONES: High fructose corn syrup, Care Bear glands, beverage-induced diabetes, what small children wish real fruit tasted like.
VALUE: Nothing made out of the genuine sweat of live Pocaris is going to be "cheap," friend.
BEST PAIRED WITH: A sense of humor, insulin.
PREFERRED BY: Hummingbirds?
WHAT IT "SAYS": "I like dissolving hundreds of packets of Equal into my water, but I just don't have the time to do it myself."
FINAL RATING: NEVER AGAIN.

P.S. Sorry for my recent absence - I've been really busy doing serious and important things that will advance the progress of humanity immeasurably.

ramune is magic

BEHOLD, IT'S SOME RAMUNE
what's not to like about ramune? it comes in a cool bottle, there's a marble in it, it might give you diabetes... oh! and its warning label takes up approximately half the bottle. seriously, what's not to like? anyway, my awesome friend nicole brought me some "regular flavor" ramune - since the word "ramune" is a japanese phonetic interpretation of "lemonade" i would assume "regular flavor" would be... lemony? and yes, it is as though i had poured a drop of lemon juice in a bag of sugar, and then carbonated it. with a hint of... gum... taste. not "gum taste" like in the insidious, cruel inca kola my retarded peruvian college roommate introduced me to, but "gum taste" like a thousand microscopic gum fairies may have danced past the bag-of-sugar-with-a-drop-of-lemon i believe to have flavored my ramune. the joy of drinking something so actually adorable-tasting compounds when you realize "hey! this marble might kill me!" but the affair is brief, for 6 ounces is a wee when compared to normal american cups (apparently the "morbidly obese with diabetes" thing hasn't caught on in japan yet - but i swear it's the next ganguro).

 

 

mmmmmmmmmm

is it just me, or does yerba mate taste a bit like, i don't know, sucking on a mouthful of loose tobacco? this site calls it a "haunting taste that beckons you back time and time again" but... do i want to be haunted by a drink? that sounds kind of not fun. to answer the obvious question, no, i didn't "accidentally brew up a cup of skoal and assume it was actually yerba mate." also, that's gross. anyway, whatever, as long as you don't make my head suddenly open up and reveal that i'm arnold schwarzenegger, we're cool, yerba mate. haunt me.

dakara life partner water: unsettling name, unsettling beverage.

BEHOLD SUNTORY DAKARA (LIFE PARTNER) WATER
in the spirit of, uh, life partner-ness, this will be a joint review by me and my life partner, justin.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: (gail) it's-not-you-it's-me water, pocari sweat, something that DOESN'T taste bad (justin) this looks like cloudy urine/i can't believe it's not cloudy urine!
UNDERTONES: (g) that hideous "orange flavored" syrup-medicine they force on children, a sugar coma (j) mothra and/or gamera urine, type 2 diabetes
VALUE: (g) this li'l treasure could've been either 79 cents or $34.50 and i still would've been like, "awwww! it's milky and i can't read it!" (j) sugars, "dietary fibers", and germ extract ain't cheap.
BEST PAIRED WITH: (g) a sense of adventure? (j) a dare, regular visits to your dentist.
PREFERRED BY: (g) the tastebud-impaired and small saccharine-powered children (j) blind people who mistook it for something else, the ghosts of my ancestors
WHAT IT "SAYS": (g) no, seriously, can someone get me a glass of water? (j) i'm very disrespectful to thirst.
FINAL RATING: (g) you are NOT my life partner, dakara. just... stop calling me. (j) looks like cloudy urine, leaves you thirstier than before you drank it, tastes bad - i call that a triple threat!

the unholy horror that is pimp juice

i know what you're thinking: why don't i have a pimp juice/p.j. tight gift set? slow down, cochise, because you have clearly never experienced the existential beatdown that comes with placing any member of the fine neon green family of pimp juice products in yo' mouf'. justin and i were blessed with the gift of pimp juice at the rehearsal dinner of a wedding justin appeared in a few weeks ago. it took me a while to crack into "the juice" because, as you'll discover, nelly's smirk (pictured on the box) serves as both a lure and a warning: he's totally giving the gas face. it's probably not relevant, because that's pretty much the only face he can make, but STILL. it's like nelly's trying to tell you his juice is for decorative purposes only...

hey! here's a really bad idea!

i think my brain actually melted a little bit when i saw this gem on daily rotten. it seems that some douchebag in india thought it would be fun to name his pizza joint... after hitler?! ok ok ok ok, i think we've ALL pondered opening a "mussolini's pizza 'n' such," but freaking HITLER? he's pretty much the worst fascist ever, you know, what with all the insanity and genocide, which pretty much have nothing to do with pizza, or anything else that is good an pure (like pastries). anyway, the article goes on to say that the owner decided on the theme (it's a freaking HITLER THEMED PIZZERIA!) just to "attract attention." the best part of the article is where some girl they interviewed says "hitler was a bad man, but what's wrong with having food here?" yeah, guys, what's wrong with having some cake at the "let's wipe out an entire race of people whose crime is not having blond hair" cafe? seriously. and then we can get some coffee over at the "also, let's exterminate the gay people" coffee house, and then we can go to the "and the retards - we should probably kill them, too" dance club! yay! morons. i give it a month before someone firebombs this place, and if that doesn't happen, um, does anyone want to pay for me to fly to bombay? for completely unrelated reasons, i mean...

even more about me telling you about bottled water

BEHOLD LEISURE TIME SPRING WATER*
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: anxiety time spring water, crystal meth
UNDERTONES: wait wait wait, what's a "catskill" and why does it produce a potable liquid?
VALUE: cheap as free from your local disaster relief center, provided your local disaster relief center is in upstate NY
BEST PAIRED WITH: this tasty treat, whatever else "them red cross people's givin' out for free"
PREFERRED BY: the discriminating recreational water drinker?
WHAT IT "SAYS": two things, 1) look, when you're handing out donated crates of this water from the back of a humanitarian aid truck to flood and heatwave-stricken people who HAVE NO WATER AT ALL, and they say "nuh-uh, gimme the poland spring, i ain't drinkin' this shit," that says something. i'm not sure what is says, but it's... something, and 2) the website itself proclaims the water "is recognized by the National Sanitation Foundation as being one of America's Premiere Spring Water companies." and if you can't trust the national sanitation foundation, who CAN you trust?
FINAL RATING: who knew drinking water was a recreational activity? and all this time i thought it was mandatory... uh, hey, it's free!

*for the record, my one and only encounter with "leisure time" was in upstate new york, in the back of a red cross bulk distribution truck. we should all commend leisure time inc. for donating their goods to a humanitarian organization, while simultaneously chastising them for poorly wrought logo graphics.

WTF, mushrooms?

at what point in human history was an announcement made that all vegetarians love portabello mushrooms? why was i not consulted in this matter? maybe it's just that i've been to an inordinate amount of poorly-catered weddings the past year, but, DAMN, why do you meat-people think we have such a hard-on for fungi? you know who deserves a solid groin-kicking? whoever coined the whole "you know, portabello mushrooms are the vegetarian equivalent of steak." i'm guessing this is the same person who instructed every catering company that "you know, vegetarians hate things that taste good at all," which is why every freaking meal i ever get at some sort of event is one lonely, wilty portabello mushroom cap, surrounded by an embarrassed medley (tip from my late stepfather: "if it's called a 'medley,' DO NOT ORDER IT") of limp, soggy vegetables. there is not enough salt in the world, caterers, to make this NOT taste like a sad pile of swamp. giving me a lemon slice atop the swamp-medley is both confusing and... possibly... offensive? IT'S JUST NOT OK. i know that to many people (many MANY people from my home state of nebraska), a vegetarian is an ass-hat who hates you, and your life, and their life, and food, and jesus and puppies and springtime. but what about the rest of us? the NICE vegetarians, whose vegetarianism is more deeply rooted in excessive peanut butter consumption than in the steaming of turnips and the lecturing of strangers in restaurants? what about us? we hate the barefoot-yoga-self-righteous vegetarians, too. so why do you hate US, mushroom-wielding caterers? just give us a giant plate of the plastic-looking whipped potatoes you were using to hide the shame of the chicken dish, and no one gets hurt. please? don't make me break into your house and rub all your silverware in my armpits...

yogurt makes you old-looking and really into "being regular"

first of all, ANY commercial that wants me to listen to some ladies having a fun chat about "being regular" has probably already weirded me out to the same degree as the mother/daugher "not so fresh" douche ads or, say, the ads with those bears that are really obsessed with toilet paper (and pooping behind trees and dancing). i'm not saying i'm at all opposed to the use of probiotics in yogurt. i'm alllllll for it. i'm in your corner, activia. i just think these ads are really, really upsetting. have you seen them? let me recap for you here. UNCONVINCING "COLLEGE STUDENT" A: let us leave our overly posh dwelling! UNCONVINCING "COLLEGE STUDENT" B: no, for i have the constipation. UCSA: aah, surely this is the result of pizzas, the choice food of typical college types like ourselves, as we most certainly are not 30 year old actresses whose resumes state "can play 18-46." UCSB: why do you not have the bloating, as i do? UCSA: i endlessly consume the specialty yogurts. (enter logo/science part) UCSB: as i have now eaten the specialty yogurts and thus become of regular intestines, i am now the one who suggests a departure from our overly posh dwelling! huzzah! -ok, now let me explain. it's not just that the "college students" appear to be well into their 30s, it's not that their "college apartment" is way more color coordinated, vase-filled, and poster-free than any REAL college dwelling could ever dream of being, it's not that the pizza cliche is freaking stupid, what bothers me ever so much is the idea of 2 college roommates talking about the status of their bowel movements. i've had several roommates. the most "intimate" conversation i've ever had in this context involved me yelling about how my roommate needed to start flushing the toilet. i'm just sayin', roommates bonding over prune-flavored yogurt (YES! IT COMES IN PRUNE-FLAVOR)? weirded out.

meat of tomorrow

ok ok ok, i know this technology implies neither robots or poorly-drawn t-bones (as scientists haven't figured out how to grow blood vessels in tissue)(dude, i don't know what a sheet of stem cell-created meat looks like!), but, whoa, meat from stem cells! the wired news article states that, while small quantities of stem cell-based meat are grown in petri dishes for experimental purposes, researchers are now concentrating on mass-producing the stuff. "Henk Haagsman, a professor of meat sciences at Utrecht University, and his Dutch colleagues are working on growing artificial pork meat out of pig stem cells. They hope to grow a form of minced meat suitable for burgers, sausages and pizza toppings within the next few years." holy crap, dude! the article goes on to say that a SINGLE stem cell could theoretically produce enough meat to feed the world's population for a year, and this technology, with aggressive R&D, could be available to the consumer in 5 years. i think this is pretty awesome, not just because it means we won't have to go the way of soylent green (hint: IT'S MADE OF PEOPLE), or because it means that the obscene amount of resources that get dumped into the commercial meat industry could theoretically be reduced, but because the idea of sheets and sheets of meat fluttering out of factories is, like, an awesome idea for a horror movie, you know, capitalizing on the fears some ass hats have of "frankenfoods." and capitalizing on the fact that, in my world, fluttering meats is humorous and terrifying. also! ALSO! the fundies can't be all cranky about stem cell research if this meat product comes to fruition, because there's nothing a red-blooded american backwards-ass moron is supposed to like more than a big chunk of quivering meat. right? (more words after the jump, if you really need ALL my conspiracy theories)

the good morning burger: destiny realized

justin and his man-friends have a storied history of figuring out how to make the house smell (witness this post from october 2005). this time, though, it wasn't bodily... issues... fragrancing up the place, it was the meatiest bunch of meat that ever... meated? dwight decided that, since "the simpsons" is a series of allegories meant to teach us how to live our lives correctly, he should make... the good morning burger (if you don't know what i'm talking about, check out the mention here).
i have generously broken down the experience into a pleasing and clever picture-story.
you may see it here. you must... go... NOW.
you WILL love it.
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! DWIGHT, JUSTIN, NIKO, AND I ARE TRAINED PROFESSIONALS. AND... NINJA... OVERLORDS. THAT'S RIGHT... NINJA OVERLORDS. WITH LASER-EYEBALLS. AND A PEGASUS.

three men and a dream: the good morning burger saga

"We take 18 ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich creamery buttery, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. WE CALL IT THE GOOD MORNING BURGER." which, simpsons fans, is, like, a totally awesome dream to have when you're in a vegetarian's house. i'm not SAYIN', i'm just sayin', you know? and i'm not one of those complete fascist vegetarians, what with the high horse and the pompous self-righteous lecturing or anything, but... i have never SEEN this much meat in my house, ever, and i'm from nebraska, so... wow. anyway, justin and his good pals dwight and niko decided to make the dream come true one day, and... it was something to behold. something...

more about me telling you about bottled water

SLIM WATER WA TANOSHII DESU!!
(sorry, i don't know how to say "SLIM WATER is fun" in korean*)

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: pocari sweat, other engrish-ly named waters
TASTES LIKE: lemon, in quotation marks
UNDERTONES: sugar, kawaii
VALUE:  i will pay 99 cents for ANYTHING in a cutesy IV bag!
BEST PAIRED WITH: "panda land" biscuits (trust me)
PREFERRED BY: me, other white people who get all excited in the japanese convenience store
WHAT IT "SAYS": i value corn syrup
FINAL RATING: tanoshii!!! not for the (kind of unsettling) taste, but mostly for the packaging. at least i can admit it, right?

*(for the record, i'd like to thank japanesepod101 for giving me something to do at the gym other than read soggy issues of star magazine from 2 months ago, and for, like, learnin' me a little (very little) japanese.)

ahhhh, luxor water.

LUXOR WATER
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: the filmy, wretched disaster called "las vegas tap water"
TASTES LIKE: a new mortgage, people wearing fanny packs
UNDERTONES: carbon monoxide, the blood of the innocent
VALUE:  possibly the cheapest item in their gift shop? gift tomb? gift tut? giftamid? whatever.
BEST PAIRED WITH: a stopwatch to time the cocktail waitresses
PREFERRED BY: me, justin, other people who thought the excalibur water looked "downscale"
WHAT IT "SAYS": what was i going to do with that tiny bottle anyway? also, my organs are desiccating.
FINAL RATING: anything that tastes better than the squeaky, filmy vegas tap water pretty much rocks after 5 days of wondering what happened to all my saliva

more about this water stuff...

as a continuation of the public service i began with this post, i am now prepared to introduce you to the majesty that is... volvic water. you know you've seen it next to the fiji water, and thought, "what the crap is a volvic? that sounds kind of wrong." now it can be told...
VOLVIC WATER
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: swedish car-drippings
TASTES LIKE: lava, apparently
UNDERTONES: vague hint of pervy-sounding-ness, lying frenchmen
VALUE: lava juice ain't cheap, dude.
BEST PAIRED WITH: a superiority complex 
PREFERRED BY: um, geologists? fire gods?
WHAT IS "SAYS": you don't even KNOW what's in my water
FINAL RATING: scary, for water

this is the part about me reviewing bottled water

and we're going to begin the new era of bottled water reviews with... company 3 water. company 3 has generously provided the braddock/quagliata household with an exciting assortment of goods, from tee shirts to blankets to weird, grandma-esque hard candies, all proudly bearing the majestic co3 logo. they've outdone themselves this time, giving justin a bottle of their very own water. here's the review...
CO3 WATER
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: a bottle of liquid carbonate
TASTES LIKE: post-production, color correction
UNDERTONES: vague hint of film transfer... juices...
VALUE:  free = awesome
BEST PAIRED WITH: complete CO3 ensemble (incl. toga as pictured)
PREFERRED BY: assistant editors, associate producers
WHAT IT "SAYS": i got into post-production for the free water (???)
FINAL RATING: did i mention it's free? and you get some shirts with it? the only downside is that you seemingly have to endure "an industry party" to get it.

why are you reading this? there's MORE!

i like food

we went to some italian festival in scranton on saturday (like you do) and elise and i found this... THING. it called itself "ricotta delicious" or something. the point is, it involves large almond-ish cookies, sprinkles, ricotta, and it's dipped in chocolate. STOP IT. if you know what this magical food-item is actually called or where i can procure, say, a wheelbarrow full of these, let me know immediately, and i will give you one of my kidneys. yay.