halloweenie

i think halloween is fun, and i'm going to talk about it in spite of the fact that walgreens is only selling santa crap at the moment. i really like halloween and i think they should air the horror movies on the tv more often than they show the romantic comedies, you know, in general. but my point was, i'm pretty awesome, and as such, i have awesome halloween costumes. as you can see, i was a catholic schoolgirl this year. as was elise. not SEXY schoolgirls, mind you, because i WENT to private school and i know the brutal truth: REAL schoolgirls look like frumpy plaid mailboxes. and i'm all about keepin' it real. and... you know... getting my costume at the goodwill for under $10. but whatever. (also, luke was a football player, which is why he's posing like so.) anyway, we went to see the village halloween parade. if you're not from new york, imagine a bunch of people dressed like half-assed drag queens carrying 15 foot tall anti-bush interpretive puppets marching down a street with way too many people crammed onto a sidewalk trying to see it. i noticed some frankly stupid trends in costumes, and i'm going to make fun of them now...

yeah, i know we can't be as awesome as justin and borrow our girlfriend's boxing crap and be, like, the coolest guy ever for halloween, but there are some costumes out there that are just dumb. and here are the best ones i saw last week...
1. sexy lady firefighter: congratulations! you've made your way into the competitive, grueling, male-dominated world of fire fighting! and now you're totally going to get burned to death, because your protective gear is a sports bra, miniskirt, plastic hat, and flimsy vinyl jacket. hope those thigh highs are somehow protecting you from noxious smoke!
2. sexy nurse: ok, you've clearly never actually seen a nurse.
3. sexy maid: i don't know, most of the maids I'VE seen were wearing more of an ankle length, pastel shirtdress-type thing, and less of a corseted, bustled, flouncy minidress. i don't know, it just seems like your heaving, exposed cleavage would get in the way of scrubbing the toilet.
4. sexy schoolgirl: hi. i'm gail, and i went to brownell-talbot college preparatory school from 4th grade through 8th grade. for some reason, my uniform didn't come with the half-top or the thigh highs. in fact, i almost got detention one time for not wearing my navy, brass-buttoned blazer on tuesday. so let's be honest - you're kind of a skank, and you're totally not 13 years old. and also, eww, pedophile.
5. sexy cop: it's funny how the cops I see are generally a vision in thick polyester and kevlar, and not so much wearing 6 inch heels and a bra top. i mean, hi, you're just ASKING to get shot in the pancreas. also, those handcuffs are plastic.
the point i'm making is not, in fact, some big feminist thing about why "womyn" should respect their "goddess castle" or whatever and not dress in a fashion that slanders their gender... although minus the weird terminology i just made up, that's a decent point, we actually saw the flipping "girls gone wild" camera crew walking through the village, for the love of god. wait, what? right, my point is, if you're going to go to allllll the trouble of dressing up, dress up RIGHT. nurses wear scrubs with teddy bears on them and are surly. schoolgirls are frumpy and shrouded in a hideous sack of plaid and repression. firefighters wear a lot of heavy crap and have mustaches. maids are named olga or luz and quietly hate you, american pig. KEEP IT REAL. if you want to show of your boobs, dress up as a hooker. you don't even need to BUY anything - put on underwear and heels, and knock out some teeth with a hammer. that way you can show off your vagina, AND make some money. and THAT'S one to grow on (cue "the more you know" music).

Comments

[mariaaaaa]

"maids are named olga or luz and quietly hate you, american pig"

You rock.

I went to Catholic school K-12, and in high school the girls were a little slutty in the skirt length, but yeah, no half tops or thigh highs to speak of. We WERE slutty as opposed to LOOKING slutty. A fine point but one that bears mentioning.