dear women's athletic shoe consortium,

Hi, my name is Gail. You might remember me from the time I fractured my foot during boxing a few years back, because it seems that banged up Chucks from high school are not "appropriate footwear" for "boxing," and then I walked around on a fractured foot for 5 weeks before I saw a doctor because I figured that sometimes your foot just swells up, turns purple, and sends fiery, nauseating waves of agony up your leg every time you take a step? You know... how that happens sometimes... right. It was at this point in my life at which I was introduced to you, lectured repeatedly on your importance, and informed that you were going to become a part of my life unless I was into periodically grinding my foot's innerworkings into a pulpy mash of nastiness. Remember me? Hi! How are you? Anyway, I just wanted to mention that, unless you WANT me to start jogging in cheap heels and flip flops and knowingly pulverize my metatarsals into a fine dust, you need to stop making every piece of functional women's athletic footwear I come across look like a 5 year old girl picked out the color scheme. Why is every other pair of functional athletic shoes I see white? Does the word LADY combine with the word RUNNING to spell NURSE SHOES? For reals. Justin has the pick of every combination of silver and gunmetal, and I have effing white with periwinkle? I will say good day, sir. Is it really necessary to make the ONLY black shoes all black, because I don't really think I'm going to Jazzercise anytime soon. And yet THIS is how you treat me, women's athletic shoe consortium, like I'm definitely looking for something to match both my baby pink Tinkerbell backpack AND my late 1960s nursing career, or like I'm some kind of ephedra-addled aerobics relic from 1989? Reeeeally? I know I'm weird for caring, but if MEN'S functional athletic shoes can manage to look like they weren't hallucinated by a feverish preschool girl, why must women's? My options are white, white with dusty pink, white with cornflower, white white white, or black on black for chain-smoking aerobic instructors drinking Tab in 1987. Oh, good! Good. I can rarely be bothered to care about what I look like in a fitness environment, but I will not put my feet into the shoe manifestation of Princess Frostine and attempt any sort of activity. Don't even pretend like it's ok to make all the soles white, either - that's just a giant middle finger to people who live somewhere that necessitates walking and don't plan on devoting their lives to shoe care (like my former boxing coach, true story, half our session was spent with him lovingly, diligently wiping the street-filth from the sides and top of his hurt-your-retinas-white gym shoes). Don't make me buy men's shoes just because you're a jerk, women's shoe consortium. In conclusion, dusty pink can rot, and women like monochromatic greys just as much as our penised colleagues. Suck on that before you spit out a whole new line of "baby pink on cloud white" abominations.
Your friend (?),
Gail

Comments

[Laura]

Here here! Absolutely right on! I was just having this conversation with a friend..The pinks and cornflower blue have to go. So do the little "retro & hip" flower patterns on the heels. Hey, I actually do own a Tinkerbell purse (I know, but I love it), and will admit to liking a fair amount of sparkle and flash, but do I want lilac glitter on my gym shoes? No way. Great post-just found you again courtesy of Into The Fray.