When I think of 36 year old libras named "Cleatus" (info courtesy of the tardbot's myspace profile, naturally) who are on my personal shit list, one specific obnoxious robot leaps immediately to the top of the page: that goddamn Fox football robot (P.S. "Cleatus?" Really?). If he's not wearing a "hilarious" seasonally appropriate costume ("it's Thanksgiving and Cleatus is a Pilgrim! And he's throwing a turkey instead of a football! What a magical age we live in!"), he's doing some kind of embarrassing touchdown dance, or just hopping around for no obvious reason, his firm robot quads quivering ever so slightly. THIS, FRIENDS, IS THE JARJAR BINKS OF FOOTBALL. Some people think John Madden (with his rambling non sequiturs) is the JarJar Binks of football, but they are wrong, because John Madden used to have a purpose, I assume, at some point in history. Dead wrong. Did I mention that the robot runs in place? Like he's warming up? For annoying sports viewers across the country? Why is it there? It's not doing anything of value, unless being an unfunny annoyance and an eyesore is valuable, in which case the Republicans should've really backed Carrot Top/Palin '08 after all. I hope that dancing WB frog comes back from the grave as some kind of super-zombie and eats this robot's face and entrails. No, but he wouldn't, because at least THAT anthropomorphic network mascot was the mascot of a WHOLE network, not just one specific seasonal sports event. I don't think that frog would bother resurrecting itself as some kind of super-zombie for something as lame as an anthropomorphic SHOW mascot. And you know what? Fox sports is wasting this technology on making some retarded dancin' robot, when they could be investing in something awesome like making their sideline reporter a giant CG hamster named "Dilly." What would be more precious than Peyton Manning looking skyward to the serene face of a giant CG hamster, gazing deeply into his deep rodent eyeballs and saying something pointless about how he "got the ball, and gave the ball to people, and they ran the ball, and they did a good job." WHAT IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN THAT? Other options include "Foxy, the Foxin' Fox Fox." Or whatever Clinton Portis feels like doing, because that guy is a goddamn genius.
I have written several strongly worded letters to fox about the uselessness of a robot to play football. I watch the giants with my family almost every sunday, and for the past 3 years, we have complained about the robot. If it is a robot, why does it need to stretch? It just doesn't make any sense.
Posted by: Michael | 2008.10.26 at 18:16